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By Jordi Jiménez
Let’s admit that the world of relationships is a bit complicated. As emotions are at play, with their intense passions, their desires, their fears of loss (see article on possession) and all that this produces in all the apparatuses of the human psychism, it is difficult to have a cool and clear head to understand the situation you may be in with regard to relationships.
So today we are going to try to show a brief and simple method to study, to analyse relationships and thus try to untangle the skein. We will start from a hypothesis that later, each one of us will see to what extent it is fulfilled or not. In any case, it will help us to “order” a little the situations that may arise in this subject.
We will develop each point later, but to begin with we will mention them briefly. The hypothesis is that for a couple’s relationship to be solid and lasting, three conditions must be met:
There is body chemistry between the two partners (minor ambit).
There must be a minimum affinity in the daily Style of Life (medium ambit).
There is a certain coincidence in the direction and project of life (major ambit).
If only one or two of these conditions are met, a relationship may exist, even a good one, but it will be difficult (not impossible) to make it last in the long term. Another point to bear in mind is that these conditions do not necessarily have to be in this order. Let us now elaborate on each point.
Body chemistry between the two components
The first condition could have been called “bodily physics”, because that chemistry that is often said to exist between two people is a very physical register of attraction towards the other person, or rather, towards the other person’s body. It can take different forms: it can produce emotional and vegetative disturbances (see the energetic circle and the centres of response), it can produce a profound relaxation, a calm and total trust, or it can produce both, depending on the moment.
There will probably be many other types of reactions, but in any case, there is a physical reaction to the bodily presence of the other person. We all know that, if the other person does not produce any reaction in my body, or on the contrary, a certain rejection, it is difficult for an intimate relationship to take place. This chemistry, like so many things, will have different degrees of intensity.
It is not like an ON/OFF button (there is chemistry or there is not), but it is like the volume of an audio, it can be louder or quieter. It is this intensity that will condition the relationship from the beginning. It is also true that this chemistry can happen after some time of knowing each other, not necessarily at the beginning, but when the love relationship takes place, it would have to be present to some degree. There is not much that can be done to foster this attraction, as it is a very mechanical thing related to our vegetative systems and their play of compensations. This is the condition of the minor ambit, of the compositional of the relationship.
Affinity in the Style of Life
In addition to the affinity in the Style of Life and the way things fit together in everyday life between the two partners, there are other important elements of this middle plane. One of these is the relationship that each partner establishes with family and friends of the other partner. These ambits of relationship are important for each other and if the couple does not establish good relations with my friends-family or the other way around, we all know that things get complicated. This, of course, does not prevent a lasting relationship from happening and being maintained, it only complicates it. But knowing that this is so, we have a key to intention, to build a stronger relationship by improving relationships with the other person’s immediate ambit.
In terms of Style of Life, there can be a multitude of possible combinations to fit together on a day-to-day basis (tastes, hobbies, activities, places, schedules, etc.), but the idea is that there has to be a certain coincidence in all these elements, a certain fit. We are not talking about black and white, it may or may not match, but about multiple possible combinations that allow for a certain daily harmony. Here too, there is much that can be done to improve the relationship, with the look set on mutually adapting to a certain extent in order to achieve this fit. This has to do with the ambit, with the ambit of the relationship between the couple and their everyday environment.
Life project
And finally, we have to take into account the life project, the philosophy of life, the direction. Where my life is heading, where it is going, and where my partner’s life is heading. This is an issue that is not usually taken into account because the most important thing is what is closest, what is perceived. In other words, if there is physical attraction and affinity in everyday life, the long-term direction is something distant, something that is not easily seen and that only shows its effects, precisely, in the long term. Many couples realise that there is a disparity of life projects over time and rethink their continuity then. This is the major ambit of relationships. As with the others, non-coincidence in this ambit does not necessarily prevent a long-term relationship, but depending on whether there are big or small differences, it will be more or less complicated to reconcile them.
And that is all. This simple analysis is simply an attempt to bring some order to some aspects of the most complex relationships, such as those between couples. It is true that there are people who put too much “head” into their relationships and this does not help to understand what is happening, just as not putting any head into them and having a feeling of confusion and not knowing what is going on. Extremes always complicate everything. The best thing is a healthy mix of heart, head and action where all three terms work in the same direction, i.e. coherently.
We hope you find this useful.
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REHUNO – Red Humanista de Noticias en Salud
